I am very much ready to leave for the field, but of course I have some worries. I am really apprehensive of not being able to understand the language, its going to take a while to get used to the way people talk, I have been able to kind of get used to the dialect of spanish speakers in Mexico, but I know its going to be different in Ecuador. I have also heard a lot about bus robbers, you can't really wear or bring with you something that is sentimental, or else someone might just pickpocket it or worse, stop the bus, and one by one they take those things with a gun pointed at you. I am really afraid of that...I really want to wear things that remind me of why I am here and my family, I just hope that if it does happen to me, I hope that the Lord will be with me.
The past couple weeks have been the hardest for me. Its been difficult for me to be with a companion 24/7 and being very different from each other. We have gone through similar things, but we both have dealt with them differently. I feel like I have been a terrible companion, and not loving enough. I am trying to be more bold and express myself more, but I have not been thinking about her feelings. She feels as though there is this leash around her neck. She said something to me yesterday, that really made me think all day, it was about how she could not live up to my expectations. There needs to be a balance. At times, when I know I have done something incorrect, or I receive constructive criticism, I try to work even harder. This way works for me...and I guess without realizing it, I forced that upon her without realizing it. She is more of one to be relaxed, and if someone gives her criticism, she will feel overwhelmed, she does not work well under pressure. So, she has to put her mind somewhere else. From what I assumed, I always thought that she chose to do the things that she wanted rather than the things that she needed to do first and that bothered me a little. But she never expressed to me that is the way she copes with stress. She told me that when I give constructive criticism, I need to ask her how I can help her. She also said we need to be patient with each others weaknesses because we are not perfect. I felt terrible all day. I felt like I didn't deserve to think of myself as a nice person, I felt like I didn't deserve to be feel good about my talents and so that is when I prayed to Heavenly Father that I could not only be forgiven be I could forgive myself. I prayed that I could forget about myself and reach outward to others. Immediately I felt the Love of God, and I imagined the Savior telling me that this was the exact reason why he died for me. This experience was a testimony builder for me. I know there is no other way that we can be forgiven or forgive someone else for our sins. Christ needed to atone for our sins because we would not be able to get back to the presence of our Father. I am so grateful for the Atonement, and the Savior's perfect love...I desire so much that if I could just have the faith of the brother of Jared, I could see the finger of the Lord. Or if I knew the Savior well enough from the scriptures, the Lord would see it fit for me to show himself to me. I cannot wait for the second coming of the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and we will be able to see him as he is and know all along that He lives.
One thing I am really proud to say is my knowledge and memory of the scriptures. My patriarchal blessing says something about this and I didn't understand until now how important of a blessing that is for me. If I read every day, I will be able to have the spirit with me and I will be able to use it for the benefit of others. During lessons, scriptures always come to my mind at the moment when I needed it. and someone in my district was kind of amazed that I knew the scriptures so much. The thing is, I did not read my scriptures every day in Highschool, but I did go to Seminary everyday, and those lessons just stuck well in my head. I am so grateful for this gift that I have...I love the scriptures, I love the word of God! I find so much more peace and meditation from reading the scriptures, they are my new means of relaxation, they help me so much to get through the day! The scriptures are amazing!
Last night for one of the devotionals, I got to say the closing prayer (in Spanish), I am normally fine during class or companionship prayer, but I was really nervous. I always feel as though because my knowledge of Spanish is so small, my prayers are like a child would say them. It was definitely a cool experience to say a prayer in Spanish and the Lord is able to understand it because he is perfect, but it is also the language of the spirit. It is hard sometimes, like before I begin eating, to say prayers in Spanish, so sometimes I will just say it in Spanglish. I am getting better, I am using more future and preterit tense. You would not believe how many rules there are for verb conjugations!
This Sunday, I am so incredibly excited because Elder Oaks is going to come for the dedication of the CCM! Its going to be broadcast and there is a tradition that happens every time an apostle comes. He will usually arrive during the Hymn, but as he walks in, we all are supposed to stand and we have to be more reverent and quiet! I cannot wait to see him and be so near this apostle and prophet. Its going to be a wonderful and spiritual experience, especially since I have never been in the presence of an apostle!
Grandpa, will be in my prayers and I promise that I will not worry too much. I just hope that I will be able to see him again after my mission! Also, it is such a blessing that you were able to find someone to bring my license, photos, and debit card. I am glad that that worked out. Also, I would love it if you could also send me my pick laced cardigan, my black flowered cardigan, and the knitted one in my closet in the care package. If you cant find them that is okay, I just don't know why I didn't think to bring those. I will see what I can find in Ecuador! I was told that they have a lot of cool "Aztecy" scriptures cases, I hope that I can buy some cool ones in Ecuador. I love you very much, and miss you when times are hard. But I know I have been prepared for this moment, I know that the Lord called me to succeed and not to fail! Thanks for all of you support, cant wait until I can tell you all about the dedication and my trip to a place called South America. Its like America...BUT SOUTH! Love you!
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